Start of my story

[lavaman555]

Hello there Pojo People, I am lavaman555, and I am asking if this is a good start of a book I am writing.

Prologue

In the year 2013, a great, evil warrior named Geene Rain started to terrorize the whole world with his mighty, evil sword, Brutish. He has powers to make anything to lose it's will and also he can teleport to one location to the next without knowing where or what it's like.
As he starts to take over the world, three individuals created a key that says it has the magical powers to nullify any powers a person hold if the key contacts with their head and the key is turned. Geene learns of this and ordered them to get rid of it. With the power to make them lose their will, they did what they are asked. Then, in 2015, three kids are born with tremendous power to find and locate the missing key. The kids are Georgianna Marie Ingram, Tyler Ingram, and Bobby Fingles. Their power is seeing Aura of anything, but Georgianna has another power, and that is to read people's minds, that is a rare power to get. When Geene heard of them and found out about their powers, he teleported to the houses of each one to kill the new born babies, but he ends up failing cause a weird presents came and took Geene away from them.





So, how do you like that start?

[A Catshovel]

Originally Posted by lavaman555

Hello there Pojo People, I am lavaman555, and I am asking if this is a good start of a book I am writing.

Prologue

In the year 2013, a great, evil warrior named Geene Rain started to terrorize the whole world with his mighty, evil sword, Brutish. He has powers to make anything to lose it's will and also he can teleport to one location to the next without knowing where or what it's like.
As he starts to take over the world, three individuals created a key that says it has the magical powers to nullify any powers a person hold if the key contacts with their head and the key is turned. Geene learns of this and ordered them to get rid of it. With the power to make them lose their will, they did what they are asked. Then, in 2015, three kids are born with tremendous power to find and locate the missing key. The kids are Georgianna Marie Ingram, Tyler Ingram, and Bobby Fingles. Their power is seeing Aura of anything, but Georgianna has another power, and that is to read people's minds, that is a rare power to get. When Geene heard of them and found out about their powers, he teleported to the houses of each one to kill the new born babies, but he ends up failing cause a weird presents came and took Geene away from them.





So, how do you like that start?

I don't read a lot of books, so I might not have the most valid opinion, but that seems like a lot of information crammed into a few lines.

[lavaman555]

I know but it will get some background.

[Valafar123]

Needs more pathetic fallacy and climate establishment. As someone prior stated, you should drip feed the information instead of cramming it into one paragraph.

[Images Juxtaposed]

10/10 Funniest thing I've read today.

[OmegaMan1144]

Some suggestions:
-Give evil bad guy a better name. Greene Rain sounds like something a hippy might name their dog.
-Same for sword... better name? Does it really need a name?
-Valafar is right... you need to take your time introducing the setting, and slowly bring the characters into play. Give some background on why he's a bad guy, and why the protagonist is a good guy. What is he fighting for? Why fight against evil villain man?
-2013 isn't a long way off... is it supposed to be futuristic?
-Grammar corrections...yes, they matter greatly: it's = contraction for "it is".
its = possessive form, declaring something or some trait belongs to someone.
You wrote "He has powers to make anyone lose it's will..." Which is saying "He has powers to make anyone lose it is will" which doesn't make sense.
Presents = what you give someone at Christmas time.
Presence = a character being at a certain place.
-Bring in dialogue instead of just straight narrative. Maybe Bobby and Georgianna are talking about going to the swimming pool when they find out evil villain man is taking over, and they need to find a way to stop him?
-Got a plot twist? Dramatic irony?
-The going back in time to kill them as babies has been done countless times. You sure you wanna go through with the time travel questions? Where did he get the ability to time travel? Is it innate, and if so, did he do it at other times? Why couldn't he go back and kill their parents, if he failed at killing the kids at birth? If he couldn't kill anyone, he must not be that tough a villain. Look at Harry Potter - Voldemort killed his parents, and only Harry's mother's love saved him, else he'd be dead too. He was a proper villain.

Needs a lot of work. Sorry, but I can't give a dishonest opinion. Don't give up if your ambition is to write. Get opinions, take the criticism for what it's worth, and keep going. One day you may just be a good author.

[lavaman555]

Thanks Omagaman1144 and yeah, a very unexpectied ending. I really don't think time trave in here will not be that bad. I will see about Bobby and Georgianna part. I got a question, what do YOU think I should name the villain and his sword? Juxtaposed, I wanted to at least get a funny intro to get people's attention. Omaga and Valafar, I know that I need to take time to get everything right.

[Saifullah]

You should reveal the attributes of your character by his actions, and reveal only bits of the plot by actual narration.

[lavaman555]

Originally Posted by Saifullah

You should reveal the attributes of your character by his actions, and reveal only bits of the plot by actual narration.

Little like what Omega said.

[Qitozex]

Dickens and Tolkien are rolling in their graves right now.

I'd recommend waiting to write until you've expanded your literary repertoire passed Harry Potter and to Kill a Mockingbird.

[OmegaMan1144]

I don't want to tell you what his name should be, but wanted to let you know that the current name doesn't strike me as being "evil villain" as much as it does "hippy". I don't think his sword has to have a name, unless you think it has to. Check out the names of famous weapons... Drizzt Do'Urden of R.A. Salvatore's novels has scimitars named Icingdeath and Twinkle. Icingdeath was taken from an Ice Dragon's loot. I forget where he got Twinkle, but the names are representative of their origins and properties.
Mjolnir (Thor's hammer) means "Crusher". That's what it does. It crushes things. The weapon is part of what makes Thor great. Does Mr. Evil Villain's sword do that for him? Or is he just a very good swordsman?

To Kill A Mockingbird is considered a modern classic by many literary "experts". Can't really lump that in with Harry Potter.
Even without getting into reading more classics, notice how the published works, even Harry Potter, go into great detail about almost everything. They want you to feel like you're in the book.

[Qitozex]

Originally Posted by OmegaMan1144

To Kill A Mockingbird is considered a modern classic by many literary "experts". Can't really lump that in with Harry Potter.

Oh but I can: it's the only other book a modern 14 year old is likely to have read.

[Saifullah]

Originally Posted by OmegaMan1144

I don't want to tell you what his name should be, but wanted to let you know that the current name doesn't strike me as being "evil villain" as much as it does "hippy". I don't think his sword has to have a name, unless you think it has to. Check out the names of famous weapons... Drizzt Do'Urden of R.A. Salvatore's novels has scimitars named Icingdeath and Twinkle. Icingdeath was taken from an Ice Dragon's loot. I forget where he got Twinkle, but the names are representative of their origins and properties.
Mjolnir (Thor's hammer) means "Crusher". That's what it does. It crushes things. The weapon is part of what makes Thor great. Does Mr. Evil Villain's sword do that for him? Or is he just a very good swordsman?

To Kill A Mockingbird is considered a modern classic by many literary "experts". Can't really lump that in with Harry Potter.
Even without getting into reading more classics, notice how the published works, even Harry Potter, go into great detail about almost everything. They want you to feel like you're in the book.

It's not an insult to the book, he's just pointing out that many kids don't read books and only read books that are assigned to them plus whatever is hyped nowadays (Twilight?).

[N.Nick]

Originally Posted by lavaman555

Hello there Pojo People, I am lavaman555, and I am asking if this is a good start of a book I am writing.

Prologue

In the year 2013, a great, evil warrior named Geene Rain started to terrorize the whole world with his mighty, evil sword, Brutish. He has powers to make anything to lose it's will and also he can teleport to one location to the next without knowing where or what it's like.
As he starts to take over the world, three individuals created a key that says it has the magical powers to nullify any powers a person hold if the key contacts with their head and the key is turned. Geene learns of this and ordered them to get rid of it. With the power to make them lose their will, they did what they are asked. Then, in 2015, three kids are born with tremendous power to find and locate the missing key. The kids are Georgianna Marie Ingram, Tyler Ingram, and Bobby Fingles. Their power is seeing Aura of anything, but Georgianna has another power, and that is to read people's minds, that is a rare power to get. When Geene heard of them and found out about their powers, he teleported to the houses of each one to kill the new born babies, but he ends up failing cause a weird presents came and took Geene away from them.





So, how do you like that start?

Sounds too cliche ish.

[OmegaMan1144]

Originally Posted by Qitozex

Oh but I can: it's the only other book a modern 14 year old is likely to have read.

It was a mandatory read in English class my freshman year of high school... as was "The Good Earth" (hated it), Farenheit 451 (enjoyed), and "Of Mice and Men" (enjoyed). I think The Old Man and the Sea was 8th grade. I hated that book. Funny enough, I have to quote Peter Griffin whenever I hear the name of that book. "Stupid old fisherman yammerin' about to himself... he doesn't even know I'm watching him..."

Still, I would never say you could lump a classic literary work about real life issues in the mid-1900's with a series of books about a boy wizard who is prophesied to defeat the most evil wizard of all time through sheer luck.

[N.Nick]

The Master and Margarita
The biggest mind**** book I've ever read.

Although i did learn one thing from this book - "Manuscripts don't burn."

[Qitozex]

Originally Posted by OmegaMan1144

It was a mandatory read in English class my freshman year of high school... as was "The Good Earth" (hated it), Farenheit 451 (enjoyed), and "Of Mice and Men" (enjoyed). I think The Old Man and the Sea was 8th grade. I hated that book. Funny enough, I have to quote Peter Griffin whenever I hear the name of that book. "Stupid old fisherman yammerin' about to himself... he doesn't even know I'm watching him..."

Still, I would never say you could lump a classic literary work about real life issues in the mid-1900's with a series of books about a boy wizard who is prophesied to defeat the most evil wizard of all time through sheer luck.

So are you trying to come up with some reason to disagree? I never even said it was of the same caliber, nor did I leave that fact ambiguous. Take the stick out your ass and chill the **** out.

[OmegaMan1144]

Originally Posted by Qitozex

So are you trying to come up with some reason to disagree? I never even said it was of the same caliber, nor did I leave that fact ambiguous. Take the stick out your ass and chill the **** out.

Whoa! Peace, bro!

While I was disagreeing that you could lump the two together, it's not a big deal. I assure you that there are no sticks in my butt, and I am very chilled out

I was agreeing with you that most 14 year olds have read To Kill a Mockingbird, by talking about having to read it as part of my high school curriculum.

[king_of_pain]

sounds like one of those cheap computer games. those that u play for the first 10 minutes and never touch again.

[Mugi-Chan]

One of, if not the worst thing I have ever read. I usually cite "The Hunger Games" as the worst thing I've ever read, but this makes "The Hunger Games" seem like "Pride and Prejudice." I read the first line and was baffled by how awful it was, one the basic rules of writing is to hook your reader. You failed to do that to say the least. I had no incentive to read on, and the horribly bland writing style didn' help.

[lavaman555]

Originally Posted by Pink Mink

One of, if not the worst thing I have ever read. I usually cite "The Hunger Games" as the worst thing I've ever read, but this makes "The Hunger Games" seem like "Pride and Prejudice." I read the first line and was baffled by how awful it was, one the basic rules of writing is to hook your reader. You failed to do that to say the least. I had no incentive to read on, and the horribly bland writing style didn' help.

Okay, thanks for the criticism.

[Cinchspark]

This cannot, I repeat, CANNOT be your intro. You have no logical way of introducing a magical, supernatural being onto Earth. You make no effort to immerse the reader in a world that they can feel, a world that they can touch. Good books, like A Game of Thrones or Ender's Game, jump right into the story, giving a rich introduction that is usually very vivid. The narrative prologue that I like, specifically, are ones that very vivid in description and easy to imagine.

One technique that novelists usually use is to physically describe a character, then give the name last. Introduce a character, not by name, but by who they are. For example, if I were introduce man by the name of "Joe Lee" into a story, he has no significance by name alone. However, if I were to describe him as a green-eyed, blonde-haired man who is searching for his father's killer, the readers will immediately know who he is. The reader's mind will then assume that he is important to the story because he has a purpose in mind: to kill his father's killer. Therefore, readers will be eager to find out how his purpose will weave into the plot. Give the characters emotional, recognizable character traits, such as being brash, quick to anger, or even eager to die.


Now, about the content of the prologue

I don't like the name "Geene." It's particularly bulky and awkward to see, like the name Rybekka for Rebecca. Characters shouldn't have extremely special-sounding or special-spelled names unless it seems logical and natural. They don't even need to have real, popular names, depending on who your character is. For example, if I changed Joe Lee's name to Tirke Stonne, that name may actually work if the character is from Slovakia (or some other European country). Or, if I named him "Yucho Nakagawa," you might think he's from Japan. Where is "Geene Rain" from?

The storyline of "evil man suddenly terrorizes world, three people make whatever to do whatever, three babies are born with extremely special names to be extremely special people" sort of irks me. The prologue shouldn't immediately throw such an idea that's so "out-there." Work your way into the core storyline, and make it seem natural.




OVERALL:

Make the story more like real life. Although I understand people make stories to escape reality or to explore wondrous ideas, they need to seem feasible and logical, as well as presented in a way that is compelling for the reader to read. Your prologue, in fact, is more like a premise of the story or a poor outline. Make the prologue a prologue--an introduction that serves to both entertain and inform the reader.

[lavaman555]

Originally Posted by Cinchspark

This cannot, I repeat, CANNOT be your intro. You have no logical way of introducing a magical, supernatural being onto Earth. You make no effort to immerse the reader in a world that they can feel, a world that they can touch. Good books, like A Game of Thrones or Ender's Game, jump right into the story, giving a rich introduction that is usually very vivid. The narrative prologue that I like, specifically, are ones that very vivid in description and easy to imagine.

One technique that novelists usually use is to physically describe a character, then give the name last. Introduce a character, not by name, but by who they are. For example, if I were introduce man by the name of "Joe Lee" into a story, he has no significance by name alone. However, if I were to describe him as a green-eyed, blonde-haired man who is searching for his father's killer, the readers will immediately know who he is. The reader's mind will then assume that he is important to the story because he has a purpose in mind: to kill his father's killer. Therefore, readers will be eager to find out how his purpose will weave into the plot. Give the characters emotional, recognizable character traits, such as being brash, quick to anger, or even eager to die.


Now, about the content of the prologue

I don't like the name "Geene." It's particularly bulky and awkward to see, like the name Rybekka for Rebecca. Characters shouldn't have extremely special-sounding or special-spelled names unless it seems logical and natural. They don't even need to have real, popular names, depending on who your character is. For example, if I changed Joe Lee's name to Tirke Stonne, that name may actually work if the character is from Slovakia (or some other European country). Or, if I named him "Yucho Nakagawa," you might think he's from Japan. Where is "Geene Rain" from?

The storyline of "evil man suddenly terrorizes world, three people make whatever to do whatever, three babies are born with extremely special names to be extremely special people" sort of irks me. The prologue shouldn't immediately throw such an idea that's so "out-there." Work your way into the core storyline, and make it seem natural.




OVERALL:

Make the story more like real life. Although I understand people make stories to escape reality or to explore wondrous ideas, they need to seem feasible and logical, as well as presented in a way that is compelling for the reader to read. Your prologue, in fact, is more like a premise of the story or a poor outline. Make the prologue a prologue--an introduction that serves to both entertain and inform the reader.

Like make it near a Nonfiction type of book? I try to get away from those. Writing them and reading them. I don't feel like my imagination is running free.

[Qitozex]

No seriously, stop writing. Right now. You don't understand it in the slightest. In the meantime, read the following to better understand this fantastic Cinchspark advice, and PLEASE pay attention to HOW they convey ideas to create a realistic world that is still wholly fictional:

Mary Shelley - Frankenstein
Vladimir Nabokov - Lolita
Chinua Achebe - Things Fall Apart
John Steinbeck - The G***** of Wrath / The Pearl
Emily Bronte - Wuthering Heights
Margaret Atwood - The Handmaid's Tale
George Orwell - 1984
Aldous Huxley - Brave New World
Charles Dickens - Oliver Twist / A Tale of Two Cities

And additionally look into some dense nonfictional writings, especially those of transcendentalists, to see how to properly mold your syntax to fit your intentions, as that's another lacking area at the moment. Even check into some poetry and explore those elements; doing that will focus your mind more precisely to words that matter and have meat rather than whatever comes to mind.

As for novel writing itself, once my tumblr starts working again I can find you this John Steinbeck quotation I have that speaks directly towards everything you're doing wrong right now.

[king_of_pain]

dude, I think u killed him.