The Chronicles of Sonic

[Dirk Amoeba]

(this post is not the fic. It appears before the fic because of the clock glitch that pojo was experiencing several days ago. The fic is in the next post in this thread. I appologize to the author, but it is really not my fault.)

[ShowStopper41]

Okay I am new to writing so bare with me. Helpful criticism will be a big help.
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A blur of blue speeds ahead across a vast desert. Dust is blowing everywhere, and the blur is moving at an incredible speed. All of a sudden, the blur stopped moving.

“Can’t you guys move any faster?”

Farther behind, a fox and echidna were desperately trying to catch up.

“It is kind of hard when we’re racing the fastest thing alive.”
“Yeah seriously, Sonic knew he was going to win this race.”

The blur was smirking as the echidna and fox finally caught up. Sonic fell over laughing at the two others. Nobody could ever catch him, and he knew it. Sonic regained his composure, and stood up. He looked at his friends, still panting. Sonic hadn’t even broken a sweat.

“You guys look tired.”
“Thanks for noticing,” the fox said.
“Oh Tails come on. Why did you race if you and Knuckles knew you guys were going to lose?”

Tails and Knuckles just stared at him. Sonic had a pretty big ego, and he was showing it right now. Tails shook his head in disappointment at Sonic, and Knuckles clenched his hand. He was close to knocking Sonic out.

“Come on guys, lets go home.”

Sonic sped off in a cloud of dust, leaving Knuckles and Tails standing there. Knuckles rolled his eyes, and Tails started to fly in the air using his propeller-like tails.

“Come on Knuckles, lets go.”

Knuckles grumbled, and sped off. It was frustrating dealing with Sonic. Knuckles and Sonic didn’t exactly see eye to eye at times. They had been rivals at one point, but they somehow became friends. But his rivalry with Sonic isn’t as bad as Sonic’s rivalry with Dr. Eggman. That rivalry has been going on for ages. Although Eggman has made many “full-proof” plans to conquer the world, Sonic always seemed to foil them.
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A man was sitting in his chair, twiddling his fingers, trying to figure out a way to kill Sonic, and take over the world. A silver robot pulled up to his side.

“Dr. Eggman, we caught him.”
“Excellent, bring him to me.”

The robot bowed, and exited the room. Dr. Eggman snickered, thinking about the creature they just caught. He was equal to Sonic in every form, and he did not age. They would design a machine after him, and use it to destroy Sonic. The robot re-entered the room, this time holding a pod holding a dark hedgehog. He was clearly unconscious, and the pod was taking data on the shape, contour, and design of the hedgehog.

“Ah yes. Shadow the Hedgehog. You were very evasive my friend, but we caught you when you least expected it. And now, you will be used in the death of Sonic!”

A message appeared on the pod, saying “Complete.” A disk popped out of the pod, and Eggman took it.

“Excellent, Metal Shadow will be completed in the next five days. Send a doomsday message to Sonic…”
“But sir, if you do, he will find your base and destroy Metal Shadow.”
“How do you know?”
“Every time you send him a doomsday message about your “ultimate project”, he manages to find your base and destroy the project.”
“How many times did that happen?!”
“About 4913 times.”
“Oh fine. Don’t send him a message. But do me a favor. GET RID OF SHADOW, but don’t kill him. I want his metal counterpart to do that.”
“Yes sir.”

The robot exited, and Eggman stared at the disk. He had the ultimate power right in his hand. Sonic, Knuckles, Tails, Espio, and Shadow wouldn’t be able to even leave a dent in Metal Shadow.

“This is the end of SONIC!”

TO BE CONTINUED….

[SuperSaiyanVegeta]

it was pretty good. i like movie script format better though.

[Dirk Amoeba]

But movie script formats are generally frowned upon around here.

[RobbieBond008]

You said that you were new but your writing made you look like a regular. I thought it was really good and I'm fond of Sonic too. Keep up the good work and I can't wait for what you've got next.

[Dirk Amoeba]

I relocated my reply for the reasons I detailed above.

This is really good. I love Sonic more than any of my other fandoms. But I do have some advice for you.

First, read this topic:

Advice for Aspiring Authors (http://www.pojo.biz/board/showthread.php?t=459)

Second, you might want to specify which Sonic universe your story happens in. As you might know, there are several totally different sonic universes. The universes that have been made so far are the games, the Archie Comics, the Saturday Morning cartoon from the early '90s (called SatAM), Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog (The other cartoon from the '90s), Sonic Underground (The cartoon from the late '90s), The Sonic Anime OAV, Sonic X, and Sonic the Comic UK. You might want to put a little message explaining which. Of course, it COULD be your own Sonic universe-- that's cool too.

Now, some things from the story itself.

Instead of indenting, skip a line for every paragraph. SOmetimes you did this, sometimes you did this and also indented, sometimes you didn't do either. You should skip a line every time you start a new paragraph, and start a new paragraph every time someone else talks.

Another thing. You said this: "Knuckles grumbled, and sped off. It was frustrating dealing with Sonic. Knuckles and Sonic didn’t exactly see eye to eye at times. They had been rivals at one point, but they somehow became friends. But his rivalry with Sonic isn’t as bad as Sonic’s rivalry with Dr. Eggman. That rivalry has been going on for ages."

In the above quote you used the word "rival" too many times. Also, you used it strangely. In my opinion, Sonic and Knuckles used to be enemies, but they are now rivals. And Sonic and Eggman aren't rivals, they are enemies.

Another strange quote is this: "A man was sitting in his chair, twiddling his fingers, trying to figure out a way to kill Sonic, and take over the world."

This sounds awkward. One of the most important rules when writing is to show instead of tell. Here's how I would do this one:

'The man sat in his chair, twiddling his fingers. "Ooh," said the main angrily. "That acursed Sonic!" He pounded his fist on the cold, metal table. "THis time he won't know what hit him! Soon, he will be no more, and the world will be mine for the taking!" '

All in all, it's a good story. It's well written, and I love the concept of Metal Shadow. I just can't wait to see what happens next! Just be sure to fix up your paragraphs and specify who's talking.

-Dirk "Full of Advice" Amoeba