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Sentretcookie
02-02-2004, 07:54 PM
It's kinda short... but here we go! A Pokefic! YAAAY!

-Prologue-

There was a heavy sadness in the wet, muggy evening air of suburban Viridian City. Two children sat on a sofa of the front lawn of an empty, one-story yellow house. The two friends stared blankly at the three moving vans on their street, loading up the stuff from both of their houses.

"It's not fair!" whined the little black-haired boy as he kicked the air. "Why do we both hafta move?"

The little red-haired girl sat back. "I dunno. Adults do crazy things sometime."

The boy glared at her. "You don't seem at all sad that we're leaving and may never se each other again ever ever ever!"

She looked to the side, at her own house, where the furniture was being carrier into one of the trucks by the movers. "You know that's not true!"

"We don't even know where each other are moving to!" he whined sadly, looking down at his folded hands.

"That doesn't matter," the girl said, watching the crates that had been in her room earlier now being carefully carried down her front walkway and into the trucks. "Our parents are best friends. 'Sides, I know that I'm moving to Pallet and you're moving to New Bark!"

"New Bark is in another country!" complained the boy. "And everyone knows that when you move to one country, it's impossible to go to another country!"

"That's not true!" said a voice from behind them. The two children turned around. Leaning on the back of the couch was a ten-year-old boy with neat, dark brown hair and glasses. "Five-year-olds are so dumb."

The little girl leapt to her feet. "Are not!"

The boy scowled and hopped over the couch and into her seat. "Really? What's five plus five?"

"Ha!" the little boy said confidently. "That's an easy one- fifty-five!"

The older boy snorted with laughter.

"You're so dumb!" shouted the little girl, stamping her foot on the sodden ground. She grabbed her friend's wrist tightly, and dragged him off.

The two of them moved towards the swing set, where they sat side by side, swinging this way and that, thinking and remembering and wondering how they'd ever live without their best friend right next door.

"Why are adults so stupid? Why do they want us to be apart?" pouted the little girl.

"Maybe they hate us," ventured the little boy.

The girl thwacked him hard on the head. "No, stupid! Our parents love us! That's why they decided to have us!"

"Have us?!" laughed the boy. "They ordered us from the stork!"

"Nu-uh!" said the girl.

"Really? Who said?" asked the boy.

The girl beamed proudly, happy to be carrying this secret knowledge, which had been unknown to her comrade. "My mom. And my mom's always right."

Suddenly, there was a loud slam of a car door. "Honey!" shouted a voice. "Get your bad off the couch, and say good-bye to your friend. We're going!"

The little girl stood up, pulled her friend off the swing, and flung her tiny arms around him, embracing him to the point that he could no longer breathe.

She then turned away, said a quiet "bye" and then raced off to the couch where she had been sitting. She grabbed her pink backpack and hopped into the open doors of the minivan, taking a seat next to her older brother. She slammed the door shut, buckled her seatbelt, and then stared out the window as they pulled out of the driveway of the place she once called home.

And as they pulled away, she stared blankly at her friend, who was waving at their car and watching his best friend go. And she waved back, too, unaware that she was crying.

It was time to begin her new life.

...To be Continued...

***

OoH........ r&r wit da p&c!

-Sentretcookie

bountyhunterbebop
02-02-2004, 08:03 PM
I'm not one for pokemon fics, and this really isn't enough to judge it. There were a few spelling errors as well. All in all, for the length given, it was OK.

Serena
02-05-2004, 11:55 AM
I didn't even think about it as a pokemon story..I don't like pokemon but hey

Yeah there was a few spelling errors, big deal. Even big name writers who have published hundreds of books have errors, that's why there are editors. Yep.

I liked this story. The reason why I say I like it is because I found myself dissapointed when I realized I was at the end of it. I also find myself waiting happily for the rest of the story. That's the sign of a good story, when you can't put the book down.. or in this case... when you can't wait for the book to be displayed so you can read it.

I really like your characters. You can feel them, you can actually sense what they are going through. A key to any good story is being able to feel the characters. This is inspiring. I've always wanted to write a story..but not a fan fic. I saw that this place also allows some fiction...that I can deal with. Perhaps this is where I'll post my second attempt at a story. :) Inspiring!

RobbieBond008
02-05-2004, 02:43 PM
*tear rolls down cheek* *sniffle* It... it... was so, so... BEAUTIFUL!!! Seriously though, I really like the way it's panning out. I don't really mind the spelling mistakes, and there weren't even that many to really be noticable. And I know you know how to spell the words, our fingers just go awry sometimes. *whistles* Constructive criticism you ask? Hmm, well, work on having your fingers touch the write keys and you'll be all set! Great job, and I can't wait for the next chapter.

I'd also like to ask, what happened to "The Elite" from the last forum? I liked the way that was going too... Oh well, keep it up!

Removal Duelist
02-06-2004, 08:59 PM
I've always been a fan of you Sentret. From The Elite to well.. everything on the pokemon tower. And yet you hit us with another great story. Just work on grammar(everyone has that problem, dont worry, ofcourse you probaly know that). Remember, proof reading loves you and it wants some attention! Keep it up!