Yu-Gi-Oh! - The Future Destiny

[Kane Draco]

Hello. This is my first fanfic, so be nice to me about it. It takes place in the future, in the GX era, and I am the main character!

Yu-Gi-Oh! - The Future Destiny - Prologue

It has been 10 years since Yugi Mutou and his crew set off for the duelist kingdom, and there is a new era of Duel Monsters. Seto Kaiba has started his Duelist Academy, and many new duelists are around. Also, there is a new prodigy around. The duelist known as Kaneda Morspeed. He is the only one good at heart to possess the long forgotten Seal of Orichalcos, and also, perhaps may hold the way to revealing long lost ancient secrets about the Shadow Games, only if he could sense that, which he can't. He also, is an enterprising man, who owns a top notch business, MorspeedCorp. He also, is leader of a club called the "Dark Dragon Duelist Society". Meanwhile, destiny awaits.

Chapter 1

Kaneda Morspeed slowly landed his company helicopter, landing at the Morspeed Estate. He was coming home from a big trip around the world, in which he was confounded and confused about finding a millenium item, the Millenium Gauntlet. He then, cape flowing behind him, entered the estate, to find his sister, Natalia, messing around with her deck.

"Well, hello, sister... I see your progress with your deck is never done," said Kaneda.

"WHOA!!!" exclaimed Natalia, "YOU CAME HOME!!!"

"Yes, and what better thing can we do than to start this homecoming off with a duel to compare our improvements over the past few months," replied Kaneda.

"All right," said Natalia, "You will fail to my all mighty power". "You wish," replied Kaneda, "Let's just get this over with, we'll start off with 8000 Life Points."

And, so the duel began... Natalia and Kaneda went out to the dueling arena, duel disks on.

"I will let you choose who goes first, Sister," said Kaneda. "I will go first," said Natalia.

"I will draw my card, and then, activate Graceful Charity!" said Natalia, "I then draw 3 cards, and I discard 2 Wingweavers to the graveyard. I then play my Mudora! And since I have 2 fairy type monsters in my graveyard, his attack is now 1900! I also put down 1 card face down, and I end my turn."

"Good move, but not good enough," said Kaneda. I will play Luster Dragon, in attack mode, and I will equip it with Axe of Despair, making it a 2900 attack! Luster Dragon, attack her Mudora!"

"I chain your attack with Jar of Greed!" replied Natalia, "It lets me draw one card from my deck!"

"It is your move now, but you have just been lowered to 7000 lifepoints." replied Kaneda, "Just try and face the power of my Luster Dragon."

"I will," said Natalia, "Now, I will activate, Pot of Greed! I will also set 2 cards face down, and activate The Cheerful Coffin! I will discard, yet another two fairy type monsters, 2 Mystical Shine Balls this time, and I also play another Mudora, which attack is now 2300! I also, equip it with Megamorph, which lets me double his attack if my lifepoints are lower, which means, his attack is now 4600! Mudora, attack his Luster Dragon! You are now at 6300 Lifepoints!, and I play Mystical Space Typhoon on Megamorph, which would now decrease Mudora's original attack by half! Your move!"

"Good move, Natalia," said Kaneda, "I will play 2 cards face down, and play a monster card face down in defense. Your move."

"I will play Injection Fairy Lily, and then chain it with ultimate offering, which allows me to summon extra monsters from my hand for 1000 lifepoints each," said Natalia, "That means I will play another Mudora. I will then pump Injection Fairy Lily for 2000 lifepoints, and Mudora will attack your face down monster, while Injection Fairy Lily and the other Mudora attack your lifepoints directly!"

"Not so fast," replied Kaneda, "I will play Magic Cylinder on your Injection Fairy Lily, meaning its attack is negated, and you take 3400 lifepoint damage! Your attacks with your Mudoras went through, giving me a total of 2300 damage, lowering my lifepoints to 3000, and yours to 1600, but, you just fell into my trap! You attacked Masked Dragon! His effect allows me to special summon 1 Dragon Type Monster from my deck. That means, that I summon, the Red Eyes Black Chick!"

"Well, then, I have nothing else to do, so I guess I will end my turn," said Kaneda's sister, Natalia.

"Aha! I just drew the card I needed! I sacrifice the Red Eyes Black Chick, to special summon, the Red Eyes Black Dragon!", exclaimed Kaneda, "Then, I will play the card I just drew! I sacrifice the Red Eyes Black Dragon... to summon the Red Eyes Darkness Dragon!!! And, then, I will play the Seal of Orichalcos! You stand no chance for the power of my Red Eyes Darkness Dragon, now at 4200 attack power! Red Eyes Darkness Dragon, attack her Injection Fairy Lily!"

"Good move, brother, but not good enough," said Natalia, "I activate Mirror Force!"

"Oh really," said Kaneda, "Well, I activate the Trap Card, Royal Decree! This card negates the effects of all trap cards except for itself! Your life points are now demolished!"

"Noo! When will you ever lose, Kaneda?" said Natalia. "I don't know, Natalia," said Kaneda, "I don't know."

:: Chapter 2 Next, to be redone like Chapter 1 ::

[Clare]

The first thing that strikes me about this is that the chapters are a little on the short side - they need to be at least one page long in MS Word. So try expanding on the information you give and spin things out a little. The duel in Chapter One moves a bit too fast - try describing what is actually happening, instead of simply having the characters say: "I activate (insert card)!". Put simply, it would help if you said something about what each card does.

Also, you jumped straight into the duel without giving any background to explain why these characters were duelling. Try asking yourself what might have prompted the duel. Was it a bet? An attempt by one (or both) of the characters to prove themselves? And, even if you deliberately skipped the beginning of the duel, I would still advise you to expand on the information you give. I don't mean loads of irrelevent details, just enough to give the reader some idea about the characters - you don't even mention what Kaneda and Natalia look like. All we know about them is that they are brother and sister and that Kaneda is on what seems to be a winning streak.

Talking of which, I would suggest you let him lose at least one duel - a character who wins all the time is going to get landed with the Mary Sue/Gary Stu label. You've already lost a few Brownie points in that area by basing him on yourself and saying that he is:

the only one good at heart to possess the long forgotten Seal of Orichalcos, and also, perhaps may hold the way to revealing long lost ancient secrets about the Shadow Games.

Basically, don't make your characters 100% perfect. Every real person has at least one flaw and fictional characters should be treated the same way.

Also, the prologue looks more like a synopsis and there are a few punctuation errors such as these unnecessary commas:

I sacrifice the Red Eyes Black Dragon, to summon, the Red Eyes Darkness Dragon!!!

The comma between "Dragon" and "to" could be removed and the second comma replaced with an ellipsis (three periods . . .) to indicate the pause. And ditch a couple of the exclamation marks - you only need to use one per sentence. Finally, when writing dialogue, you need to remember the "one speaker per paragraph" rule. In other words, have Kaneda say something and have Natalia reply in the next paragraph.

I know this is your first fanfic and you asked people to "be nice", but you did make a few mistakes in your writing and you won't get any better unless someone gives you a few pointers. You see that topic called "Advice For Aspiring Authors"? Well, it's got some valuable tips for wannabe writers - so go read it!

[Anthysteg00]

Yeah he hit up pretty much everything on my mind. Remember this a good duel is half the battle. A captivating story is where you'd really shine.

[Kane Draco]

Ok, I fixed it, or at least I hope. Fixed Chapter 2 is to come soon.

[myth buster]

That's not the way the characters talk. They'd say "I place one card face down" not "I set one spell or trap card face down."

[Blayze Ciddy]

In my stories I say "I place one magic card down" but anyways, not bad. When you said that you were the main character I assumed you'd write the story in first person view. I think that would be more innovative for the pojo fanfic forums seeing as how I've never seen one written like that here before

[Kane Draco]

:: Chapter 2 ::

"Well, what are we scheduled for coming soon?" said Kaneda. "Our yearly tournament scheduling meeting is... RIGHT NOW!" said Natalia, "We should go, although, thank goodness it starts in 1 hour."

"Ok," said Kaneda, "Let's go."

They then, made their way to the helipad, and then Kaneda took the controls, flying the chopper over to the Main Headquarters, which they did, just in time. They then, walked towards the entrance of the large skyscraper, and went quickly to the elevator, where they then went up to the conference room on the 50th floor. They walked into the room, and were greeted by applause.

"Thank you," said Kaneda, taking his seat, "Now, let's get started, shall we?"

"Ok," said the tournament supervisor, "Now, as we all know, if you are a duelist, wherever you are, you are begging for a tournament. Now, that means, why exclude any nations. Why not have a worldwide tournament?"

"I like the idea," said Kaneda, "Although, it could take time if it had every duelist in it, so, we could have regional qualifying rounds, and then, national, and then eventually, world. That means, all language barriers will have to be broken as well. You may only use cards that are in English, and you must speak English. That is the cold hard facts, that most people in the world don't speak the same language. So, we make a default. As for the travel, we will provide travel accomodations for those who prove themselves to be on a worldwide level. The world tournament will be held at MorspeedCorp Stadium. Any questions?"

"How will we keep track of rankings?" said another employee.

"Well, we will give out new duel disks to all the worldwide competitors, that have special, umm... well, tournament life point counters, of 8000 Life Points. You lose 1 duel, you lose 2000 Tournament Life Points. All the regional and national tournaments will use basic tournament ladder structure. Any more questions?"

"Yes," said another, "When a region or country selects their winner or winners, how many is the limit?"

"I believe the limit would be 3," said Kaneda, "Is that all?"

"I believe so," said the rest of the room in partial unison.

"Ok then," said Kaneda, "We will go with that plan."

"Now, for the scheduling," said Kaneda, "When should we hold these tournaments?"

"I say, we hold them in the summer this year," said another employee, "Probably June and July. Although, I don't know of any specific dates we could do, as that would take time."

"I agree," said Kaneda, "This is a good time to hold them, and we will decide on the specific dates when the time gets sooner. Meeting is adjourned."

:: Next Chapter Tomorrow ::

[Clare]

Good to see that you tried to improve after my last review - I've had more than one person rant at me for daring to criticise their "hard work". Although I would suggest you cut down on the "saids"; if it's obvious from the context who is speaking, this word (and its synonyms) can safely be omitted. For example:

"Thank you," said Kaneda, taking his seat, "Now, let's get started, shall we?"

and

"Thank you." Kaneda took his seat. "Now, let's get started, shall we?"

both convey basically the same information.

[New Devimon]

Yes, a little description would be nice. Other than that, it was okay. Also, you should tell us a little more about this "Millennium Gauntlet."

[Kane Draco]

The description of the millenium gauntlet is coming today, in chapter 3, when Kaneda tells his sister about it.